Jokes

[Needsasuck]

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.

What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Just-in!

[Needsasuck]

What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
Phil

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

[Needsasuck]

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.

What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.

What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

[Needsasuck]

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

[gymaddict69]

A binman knockks on a chinese takeaway door.
The chinese man answers "harro, wat u wan?"
The binman asks "wheres ya bin?"
"I bin on loo" says the chineseman.
"No mate, wheres ya dustbin?"
"I dust bin on loo" says the chineseman.
"No mate, wheres ya wheelie bin?"
"Hokay, i wheely bin havin a wank".

[gymaddict69]

Woman in a jewellers admiring a big diamond ring.
As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out, hoping no one noticed she asks "how much is that one?"
The Jeweller says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when i tell you the price!"

[gymaddict69]

A slightly drunk woman is watching the television and yells out "Dont go there! Dont go to the church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video", she replies.

[gymaddict69]

Food inspectoor in a bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to do the design on the edge of the apple pies. She roars " have you not got a tool?"
"Yes," replies Paddy. "But i use that for the doughnuts."

[Needsasuck]

What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A little get together.

What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. eventually went home!

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the 'p' is silent

Why did God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A lickalotopis

[Needsasuck]

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.