Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Wondering just how many sheep he currently has grazing in his field, the farmer asks his sheepdog to go out and count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
“So,” asks the farmer, “How many sheep are there?”
“40,” replies the dog.
“What? How can there be 40?!” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”
“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”

[gymaddict69]

Paddy applied for a job at the blacksmiths, the blacksmith asked " have you ever shoe'd a horse before?" , paddy replies "no but i once told donkey to fuck off!"

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!"
Mick says "Did you see who did it?"
Paddy says "No, but i got the registration number!"

[gymaddict69]

I went with a prostitute for the first time in my life after thirty year of marriage. I paid her money and she said, "I will do anything that your wife wont."
"Awesome, can you just sit down and be quiet for an hour then", i said.

[gymaddict69]

Paddy and Mik are tryinng to estimate the height of a flag pole. A builder walks past and they explain their problem to him. He says "Thats simple fellas, watch this." He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. Paddy says to Mick "Thick cunt! We want to know the height, not the fucking length?"

[Needsasuck]

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

[Needsasuck]

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.

[Needsasuck]

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

[Needsasuck]

What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.

Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

[Needsasuck]

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

[Needsasuck]

What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!

What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!