Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I've been invited to my first Constipation Anonymous meeting next week.
Unfortunately there's no way I can go.

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off and apologise.

[gymaddict69]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "Meow!"

[gymaddict69]

Asylum seeker at the side of the road eating grass.
Car stops and the driiver says "Dont eat that shit, come home with me".
Asylum seeker says " I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"
Driver says "Fuck off, its only a small lawn".

[gymaddict69]

Caitlyn Jenner has won "Woman of the year 2015". Proving men are even better at being women than women are.

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

[gymaddict69]

There's always some dickhead on Bonfire Night who lets a huge banger off at three in the morning, making you wake with a start...
As the wife's about to find out.

Earlier I did a shit long enough so that I could spell out 'Will you marry me?' on the bathroom floor.
The answer was no.

[Outlaw87]

Caitlyn Jenner has won "Woman of the year 2015". Proving men are even better at being women than women are.

Caitlyn Jenner has won "Woman of the year 2015", she hasn't even been a woman for the whole year

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend was in a good mood, and told me that she was willing to fulfill one of my deeper sexual fantasies. I told her that I wanted to try anal.

She was taken aback.

I can remember being sat in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future and thinking, "Fucking hell, he's going to end up shagging his Mum!"
Luckily the usher spotted him fingering her and chucked them out.

[gymaddict69]

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
I guess he just couldn't be bothered with the hassle.

A middle aged couple are at the marriage guidance councilors,
"Is your sex life OK?" asked the councilor.
"I think so," replied the husband, we have a very traditional sex life, she has a headache and I have a wank."

[gymaddict69]

I've decided not to get up until after 10.
If I do, that bloke will hit me again.

I love watching women's heavyweight boxing.
It's hilarious to see them fight back tears when the announcer tells everyone their weight

[gymaddict69]

My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.
Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

I saw a bloke fishing the other day and I asked him, "Have you caught anything?"
He said, "I've caught loads today."
"Using maggots, are you?"
"No, liquorice."
"What have you caught with that?"
"All sorts," he said.