Jokes

[Needsasuck]

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why did you bring your cat to school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Two eggs are on the counter, they see a fork. One of them turns to the other and asks "what's that?"
The second egg says "beats me".

[Needsasuck]

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

[Needsasuck]

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone "Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

What's the difference between congress and a circus?
One is a Cunning array of Stunts...

Sometimes, when I think about books
I touch my shelf

[Needsasuck]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

[Jose Mourinho]

Arsenal and Chelsea tonight...
Liverpool and Tottenham soon enough ;)

[Needsasuck]

I almost had sex today
I just needed 1 more person

I met a girl who didn’t like dried fruit.
Well I certainly couldn’t interest her in a date.

[Needsasuck]

A useless blood vessel is found dead
It died in vein

What does a coffee pot say when it's feeling sorry for itself?
Pour me...

[Needsasuck]

Michael Jackson asked what he was supposed to do in there, and they told him to just Beat It, and Don't Stop til you Get Enough.
They asked him afterwards what it was like to jerk off in a cup, and he said it was a Thriller.
Everyone thought it was strange that he didn't have any porno with him to help, so they asked him what he did to make himself hard so he could ejaculate. Michael told them he was looking at the Man in the Mirror.
Michael was just joking around though. He was actually just thinking of Billy Jean. Either her or Ben.
It took him a really long time in there, so the doctors were wondering what happened. Michael told them his first attempt was Bad and he had to wipe it Off the Wall.
The last thing they wanted to know was Michael's particular method for pleasing himself. He told them he just used the Jackson Five.

[Needsasuck]

My penis is so long
When i put it on my keyboard, it covers all the way from A to Z

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator

[Needsasuck]

During lunch at work last week I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldnt).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.