Jokes

[Needsasuck]

Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?
The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.

I heard you didn't pass your Australian citizenship test
Didgeridoo it?

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass.

[gymaddict69]

I'm going to start taking feminists more seriously from now on....
For years they've been telling us that men are fucking pigs.

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...
She'll be back when she's hungry.

[Needsasuck]

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.
The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."
The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."
The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"
About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.
The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."
The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

[Needsasuck]

What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"
"Beats the hell outta me"

How does a train eat?
It goes chew chew

[Needsasuck]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Needsasuck]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want," and with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

[Needsasuck]

A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

My wife has wasted years campaigning for tampon companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.

[Needsasuck]

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."

I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'
I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.

[Needsasuck]

A young boy known for getting in trouble in school comes home late one day and his father asks him,
"Why are you home so late from school?"
"Mrs. Daniels made me stay after class because I got in trouble"
"What did you do?"
"We were going over multiplication and she asked me what 3 x 2 was, I answered 6. Then she asked me what 2 x 3 was"
"Thats the same fucking thing!" yelled the father.
"I know! That's what I told her!"

[Needsasuck]

A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".
Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious.
Distinguished Gentleman: "Hi folks, your daughter has informed me of the news and I just want to tell you that although I cannot marry your daughter or remain in the child's life due to my current career situation I can promise you the child will be taken care of financially. If it's a girl, I will leave her a bank account with $200,000 in it and the ownership of several hair salons. If it's a boy i will leave him a bank account with $300,000 in it and ownership of a shopping plaza. If it's twins I will leave a joint bank account of $500,000 and ownership of multiple real estate apartments. However, if it's a miscarriage"-
-At that point the Father steps in and says "You'll fuck her again"