Jokes

[Needsasuck]

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

How are blondes and computers similar?
You never appreciate them until they go down on you

What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me. I'm going in."

[Needsasuck]

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?” “Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.” “Aw, please I really need some poon tang!” And the owner awnswers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.” “Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”

[Needsasuck]

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

Why doesn't Santa have any children?
He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.

What do you get with a corduroy condom?
A groovy kind of love.

[Needsasuck]

A man is dating a woman named Wendy, and as a "romantic" gesture, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, but when he's flaccid, only the first W and final Y are visible.
One day, while he and his girlfriend are on holiday in Jamaica, he is standing at a urinal, when a black Jamaican man walks up next to him.
The man glances down and sees a W and a Y tattooed on the black man's penis.
So the man says to him, "Your girlfriend's name must be Wendy, too. I see we have the same tattoo."
The response comes, "No, I'm a tour guide. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.'"

[Needsasuck]

A drunk guy walks out of a bar There's a cop outside who asks him, "What's your name, son?" The drunk guys answers, "I'm Jesus Christ!" Cop says, "You are not Jesus Christ. What's your name?" Drunk guy replies, "I'll prove it. Follow me." The cop follows him back into the bar. As they enter, the bartender yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you back again?!" Drunk guys turns to cop and says, "See?"

[Needsasuck]

The Gynecologist had become fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

[Needsasuck]

A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance he's to poor to afford a proper eye so he's really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women. At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room, he notices she has these kind of big ears so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her. He walks over and asks her if she'd like to dance. She says excitedly "Would I?" and he says "Aw fuck off then you big eared bitch!"

[Needsasuck]

4 college students are having a great time on spring break. So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

[Needsasuck]

So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in. "What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
________________________________________________________

I used to work as a bed salesman
One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.

[Needsasuck]

When the kid graduated from high school his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper. "Dad", he said, "I don't want to jump out of airplanes." "Rubbish", his dad said, "I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you'll be a paratrooper. Don't worry, they'll teach you all you need to know." So the kid went off to the Air Force.
When he returned after basic training, his dad asked him how it went. "Dad, I'm not cut out to be a paratrooper. When I got to the door to jump, I froze." His dad said, "When I was in the Air Force, we had drill sergeants who would help you jump. Didn't you have a drill sergeant?" "Uh, yes", the kid said, "and he came right up behind me and hollered - If you don't jump, I got 10 inches of hard meat that's gonna go right up your ass." "Well", his dad asked, "did you jump?" "A little at first", the kid replied.