Jokes

[Needsasuck]

A guy is standing at a bus stop when another man walks up to him and says,
"C-c-c-c-c-an y-y-ou t-t-tell m-me the t-t-t-t-time?"
The first guy just ignores him.
"P-p-p-p-please, c-c-c-c-c-c-can y-y-y-you t-t-t-tell m-mme the t-t-t-time?"
He ignores him again.
"F-f-f-fine!" and he storms off.
Another guy at the bus stop turns to the first guy and says "Why didn't you tell him the time?"
"B-b-b-b-b-because I d-d-d-d-didn't w-want him t-t-t-to th-think I w-was t-t-taking th-the piss."

[Needsasuck]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.


I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon
On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

[Needsasuck]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Heard this joke from a friend today!

[Needsasuck]

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke?
There is lotion and used tissues laying around

I like my bread the way I like my women
French and covered in butter.

[Needsasuck]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.

It's not often people compliment my parking
but the other day, I came back from work and saw a piece of paper on may car that said "Parking Fine". That was nice of them!

[gymaddict69]

Hungary is to build a 4 metre high barrier to keep out migrants.
Not happy?
Send Complaints to the minister of de fence.

A policeman knocked on my door earlier. He said, "It looks like your wife's been in an accident."
Cheeky bastard! I knocked him out.

[Needsasuck]

An accordion player walks into a bar, orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.
Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.
He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.
Someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

[Needsasuck]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Needsasuck]

Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.
I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

[Needsasuck]

A burglar broke into a home he heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again "Jesus is watching you" He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes". He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said Moses. The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said "The same kind of people who would name their Pit Bull Jesus".