Jokes

[Needsasuck]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." Said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. One hundred fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[Needsasuck]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Needsasuck]

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my iPod.
I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."
He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"
I replied, "No, I work in a morgue."

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A man bets his wife she can't tell him something that will make him happy and sad at the same time.
"You have the biggest penis out of all your friends" replies the wife.

[Needsasuck]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[Needsasuck]

The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.
As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"
"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"
"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"
"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."
"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"Fuck me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

[Needsasuck]

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.

Why did the dick go to a 7-11?
To get a Slurpee.

What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.

[Needsasuck]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

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A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

[Needsasuck]

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
She answers, "Warming up your dinner."

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A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

[Needsasuck]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

[Needsasuck]

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"