Jokes

[gymaddict69]

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink

[Needsasuck]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.  
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man
behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies:' She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[Needsasuck]

I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside
____________________________________________________________
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house
"To fight the Decepticons," I said.
She laughed. I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.

[Needsasuck]

Two old guys want to get laid so they go to a whorehouse. The lady that runs the place doesnt want to waste hookers on them. So she sets them up with a room with some blowup dolls. The old guys pay the lady; get their rocks off; and start walking back to their homes. One says to other "i think the broad i was fuckin was dead. She was all cold a rubbery..." The other old man replies; "really? Because i am sure the bitch i was doodlin was a witch..." The first old man wonders how he came to that conclusion. "well we were gettin kinda kinky an i went and bit her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

[Needsasuck]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach, He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

[Needsasuck]

A lady walks into a dry cleaners carrying a beautiful black dress.
She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

[Needsasuck]

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

[Needsasuck]

What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

[Needsasuck]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....." "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

[Needsasuck]

Mother Teresa dies and is on her way up to heaven. She meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and is adorned with a halo. "Come on this way," St. Peter says, "I'll give you the tour." Mother Teresa is taken aback by the beauty of the angels, clouds and fountains. The pair come across a beautiful Princess Diana, who has a very large ring around her head.
"Why does she have a bigger halo than I do?" Mother Teresa asks in disbelief. "Don't worry about it. Come on, I'll show you the rest of the tour," St. Peter says. Mother Teresa starts tugging at St. Peter's robe, proclaiming "Why does that bitch have a bigger halo than I do?" Again, St. Peter tries to move on, "Look, just drop it, it's not important."
Mother Teresa then starts violently shaking St. Peter's shoulders and yells "WHY IN THE WORLD DOES THAT FUCKING WHORE HAVE A BIGGER HALO THAN I DO?!?!??!?" St. Peter kneels over to Mother Teresa and whispers in her ear. "It's not a halo, it's a steering wheel."