Jokes

[Needsasuck]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

[Needsasuck]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar...
One turns to the other and says 'Wanna go in there and get shit faced?

If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...
And then plug me back in. See if that works.

[Needsasuck]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh
............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Needsasuck]

God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out
God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine".
Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?"
God replIes,"An arm and a leg".
Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"

[Needsasuck]

It was a postman's last day on his route after 30 years
He'd grown to know all the people on one particular street and felt a fondness for each of them. As he approached the first house, he delivered the mail and was greeted by a kind old woman who offered him a loaf of fresh bread and a tall glass of milk. He took the bread, drank the milk, and moved onto the next house.
At the next house, he was greeted by a family who handed him a card. It was signed by everyone and thanked him for his service. A tear rolled down his cheek as he read it.
At the next house, he found an absolutely gorgeous woman dressed to the nines. She grabbed him by the hand and lead him up to her bedroom where she treated him to the most amazing sex of his life. Afterward, she handed him a dollar bill and took him to the kitchen where she cooked him a wonderful meal.
Surprised, the mailman asked "What was that for?"
The woman responded "We heard that you were retiring and everyone in the neighborhood was doing something nice for you. I asked my husband what we should do and he said: 'Fuck that guy. Give him a dollar.' Lunch was my idea."

[Needsasuck]

what sex position produces the ugliest children?
ask your parents

What do you get when you cross a turkey and a cat?
A pussy gobbler.

[Needsasuck]

Employee: Sir, you called me?
Boss: Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee: (minutes later) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: (after a few more minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
Boss: Do it once more.
Employee: I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.
Boss: Good, here are my car keys, drive my daughter home.

[Needsasuck]

Jack says to his friend Mike, “I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

[Needsasuck]

A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher are taking a group of children on a cruise ship when all of the sudden it starts to sink...
The preacher says "We need to save the children!"
The rabbi responds " Fuck the kids!"
And the priest says "Do you think we have time?"

[Needsasuck]

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?
Wax off

What Does a Gynecologist and a Pizza worker have in common?
They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.

What happens when a Jewish man with an erection walks into a wall?
He breaks his nose.