Jokes

[gymaddict69]

A few of the top jokes from the Edinbourough fringe :

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"

"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

[gymaddict69]

A few more of the top jokes from the edinbouough fringe :

“Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.”

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

“I never lie on my CV... because it creases it.”

[gymaddict69]

My mate was taking the piss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there'd be a picture of me,

He's not such a clever fucker as I checked and he's totally wrong about that.

[Needsasuck]

Two sausages in a frying pan

first sausage says " f*ck me its hot in here"

second sausage says "f*ck me a talking sausage"

[Needsasuck]

A couple wants to have a quickie but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what's going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing. He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. "Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog." he said. "Oh! And the Alans are moving out." he exclaimed. "Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex." The couple stops dead. "How do you know the Johnsons are making love?" said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, "Becase their kid is out on the balcony."

[Needsasuck]

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.

[orionmetus]

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it to be the Pharaoh Rocher.

cheeesy as hell but sure thats not a bad thing

[Needsasuck]

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it. The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says, "Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!"

[Needsasuck]

A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.
The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.
Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.
"Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!

[Needsasuck]

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" And the man replies "well it was my wife's seat but she passed away" and the other asks " well did you not want to invite anyone else?, any family?" And the man responds "I did but nobody would come with me" and the other remarks, "man that's tough your wife dies and they wouldn't come to the super bowl with you, what did they have to do that was better?" And the man says, "well her funeral was today."