Jokes

[gymaddict69]

In kinda bad taste so dont judge, i was sent these.

Whats orange, black and dead? My Duracell battery.

As Cilla approached the pearly gates, saint peter said to her " Whats your name and where do you come from".

I wonder if they'll get that bloke from Blind Date to read the eulogy at Cilla Black's funeral. "Here's our Graham with a quick reminder!"

[Jose Mourinho]

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at 'C'.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Whats brown and sticky? A stick...

[gymaddict69]

My mum has always been such an inspiration to me.

I often sat there wondering where I would have been if it wasn't for her.

Until my dad said "Dribbling down Monica from number 26's tits, as she wasn't as easy as your mum"

[gymaddict69]

Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror says to his wife: 'Look at that, 14 stone of pure dynamite'.
Wife replies: 'Fucking shame though about the two inch fuse'.

[gymaddict69]

I'm not a huge fan of lap dances. If I wanted a woman to apathetically grind on top of me for five minutes, I'd get a girlfriend.

'Our Cilla' has died and gone to Heaven, she's 'God's Cilla' now.
So expect her to be attacking Tokyo in the upcoming weeks.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.

[gymaddict69]

I bought a penis-casting kit and made my wife a chocolate dildo version of my cock for her birthday.

When she opened her present, the first thing she asked was, "Where is the other one?"

I said, "What the fuck are you on about?"

She replied, "Don't Bountys come in twos?"

[gymaddict69]

Apparently a large number of Britain's teenagers are suffering from low self-esteem and body image issues.
Not all of them, though; it's just the fat and ugly ones.

"I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door.
"Please, babe, don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our son."
"What son?" she said.
"You're not pregnant?"

[gymaddict69]

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.
I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination."
That showed her.

The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.

"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.

"No," I replied. "Do you?"