Jokes

[moto1045]

Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you."
He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.

In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?"
The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple."

[gymaddict69]

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "this is so unrealistic." I said, "Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does'nt mean everyones that frigid." "Not that", she explained " It's just that the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks."

[gymaddict69]

I went into clinton cards today. I said to the female assistant behind the counter "Do you sell bereavement cards?" She said " Yes sir." So i said "Could i exchange one for thiis get well soon card i bought yesterday."

[gymaddict69]

BBC NEWS: Dogs trained to detect prostate cancer. I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse.

I see the pope and David Cameron disagree about contraception. I did'nt even know that they were dating!

[gymaddict69]

My friend had a fancy dress party last saturday and i went as a clitorus. To be honest, i felt like a bit of a cunt.

I asked my mate whether a womans clit was at the front or back. He told me it was at the front. I thought "Fuck, i must have been sucking on her piles.

[gymaddict69]

An old married couple are attending church one sunday morning when half way through the vicars sermon the wife says to the husband "Ive just let out a long, sweaty, silent fart. What should i do?" The husband replies"You should replace the battery in your fucking hearing aid."

[gymaddict69]

We are always told that we should keep an eye on our old neighbours. Why the fuck should we? My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she has'nt even taken her newspapers in for two weeks.

[gymaddict69]

I went shopping earlier today and when i got to the checkout my trolley was overflowing with stuff falling to the floor. Stood behind me was a little old lady with just a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket. I said "Is that all you have got love?" Her little face lit up and she said "Yes dear." I replied "Well fuck off then, im gonna be ages."

[gymaddict69]

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, i swear you could smell the ocean.

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says "certainly not." "Hmm", he replies, "It must be your feet then."

[gymaddict69]

I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive.