Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Okay, no worries" i said. " You can borrow Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but im never gonna give you Up".

[Haisj31kg4]

Here is one I heard the other day while I was out eating, simple yet too the point.

A: "Hey, wanna hear a pizza joke??!"
B: "Sure"
A: "Haaa never mind, its too cheesy." :D


Yeah, I'll see myself out now.

[gymaddict69]

Got a girl back to my place last night but it ended with erection problems. She had one.

"I caught my twelve year old son looking up womens skirts today", i told the barman after my second whisky. "Thats pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?", he asked. "Not on ebay it isn't", i said.

[gymaddict69]

A tramp walks into a jewelers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his asshole. The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you"re doing and get out!" The tramp says "You want to make your minds up, you"ve a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."

[gymaddict69]

I phoned the police the other day. "Whats your emergency?" they asked me. I said " Two girls are fighting over me." "Ok", she paused "Well, whats the problem?" "The fat ones winning".

Looks aren't everything, but you cant wank over personality.

[gymaddict69]

I went round my mates house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming. He looked at me and said " Dont ever have kids mate." "Hard work", i said. He said "No, you're an ugly fucker".

[gymaddict69]

I bumped into an old schoolfriend today.He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said " She's beautiful, Is'nt she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said "Why's that, is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician."

[gymaddict69]

A middle aged woman looks in the mirror. "God i look old, fat and ugly", she says to her husband. "Pay me a compliment, dear". Her husband replies " Your eyesight's fucking good".

[gymaddict69]

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in. she said " You cant do this to me." I said "I know, thats why im doing it to her."

I lost my virginity for a pound today. I should never have bent over to pick it up.

[gymaddict69]

I went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, the dancefloor was crawling with fanny.

Two old age pensioners are having a 69. After 5 minutes he says "Sorry love, the smells too bad down there - i cant carry on". "That'll be my arthritis" she says. "What, i never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before." "No," she says. "It's in my arms and my hands..i can't wipe me arse."