Jokes

[RussyRover]

A man was at a grave yard, he began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by curiously.
"He was my wife's first husband!".....


In 2008 the US government commissioned a study to find out why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After three years and $2 million, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
France then did they're own study. After $250,000 and one year of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Unsatisfied with both these findings Ireland conducted their own study. After three weeks and at a cost of around $45.50, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead while masturbating...


What a Man Means When he Says...

Do you want to go see a film? - I would like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? - I want to have sex with you.

Nice dress - Nice tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage - I would like to have sex with you, but first I want you to take your clothes off so I can fondle you.

What's wrong? - I don't see why you're making such a big fucking deal about a bit of fondling.

What's wrong? - What meaningless self-inflicted stupid psychological trauma are you going through now?.

What's wrong? - Bollocks, guess sex tonight is off the menu.

I'm bored - Do you want to have sex or not?

I love you - I want it NOW!

I love you too - Okay I've said it, so can we have sex NOW!?

Yes, I like what you've done with your hair - £50 and you can't tell the bloody difference!

Let's talk - I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and then maybe you'd like to have sex with me.

I like that dress better - For fuck's sake, just buy any bloody dress so we can piss off home.

Will you marry me? - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men.

[Outlaw87]

When I came home from work last night my wife was dressed up all sexy,

she led me upstairs to the bedroom where she stripped me off and then tied me to the bed.

Then she got out her 'rampant rabbit' and switched it on.

As I was eagerly awaiting to see her pleasuring herself she turned to me and said:
"You know you've been pestering me for anal sex for the last year or two, well now................ you can have it"


My wife woke up in the night and caught me wanking in front of the computer.

With tears running down her face she sobbed, "What has porn got that I haven't?"

I think I may have made matters worse when I turned to her still holding my erect cock, and sneered, "An off button".

A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect. P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors.

The rest are all my friends.

One day, a deaf mute walks into a Chemist to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five dollar note next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't make a bet..."

[RussyRover]

A redneck had just been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge when he called the young female bartender back and said:
"Miss, right now ah really could do with a piece of ass"
"Hell, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" she exclaimed.
Then she smiled and added: "Sure why not? It's pretty slow here just now. There's a room we can use upstairs."
When they returned half an hour later, the redneck sat down at the same table and the girl asked cheekily: "Will there be anything else?"
"Sure" replied the redneck. "Where ah come from in Arkansas, we like our bourbon in water cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."


Two kids meet on their first day of primary school. "I've always been clever," says one kid. "I've been walking since I was 9 months old."
"You call that clever?" says the other. "I let the fuckers carry me around until I was 4."


What makes life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

but:

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it.......

[lorensimon]

Bungee Jumping


Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

[lorensimon]

Mental Health Hotline :P

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

[StrumSolo]

[StrumSolo]

[RussyRover]

What Woman's Personal Ads Really Mean

Adventurous: Has slept with all your mates.
Athletic: Flat chested.
Average Looking: Has a face like an arse.
Beautiful: Pathological liar.
Contagious smile:Does a lot of prescription drugs.
Educated: Had the arse shagged off her by everyone at uni.
Emotionally secure: On medication.
Feminist: Obese.
40-ish: 49.
Free spirit: Heroin addict.
Friendship first: Former slut.
Fun: Irritating.
Gentle: Boring.
Large lady: Morbidly obese.
Looking for soul mate: Stalker.
New Age: Excessive body hair.
Old Fashioned: No blow jobs or anal.
Open-minded: Desperate.
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing.
Passionate: Sloppy drunk.
Poetic: Depressive.
Professional: Bitch.
Romantic: Frigid.
Sociable: Fanny like a yawning donkey.
Voluptuous: Super-morbidly obese.
Widow: Murderer.

[RussyRover]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says "Oh, just a beer".
The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong, why are you so down today?".
The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month".
The bartender said "So, whats wrong with that"?
The man said "Well the month is up tonight"....


The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.


Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, applications such as Pub Night 5.1, Football 1.0 and Racing 3.1.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User.
REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM. . You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under troubleshooting. There is an uninstaller app called Divorce-Child Support but be aware; while this program has had some success it costs an arm and a leg.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the settings. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
A word of warning; Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Never store your credit card details in Wife 1.0 as many users have found unexplained costs occurring, though Wife 1.0 leaves no record of these, apparently for security purposes. Wife 1.0 however, does come with several handy support programs that are not available in Girlfriend 7.0, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

[lorensimon]

What Women Want in a Man


What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet