Jokes

[lorensimon]

The Lawyer's Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, heads for the local butcher shop and steals a roast from the counter.

Later, the butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me £7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, wrote the butcher a check for £7.99.

A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation fee. £25.00."


Traffic Accident
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.

Both the drivers get out of their car. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.

It's cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.

"Why, thankyou," the doctor accepts. He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor asks.

"Yes. After the police get here." replies the lawyer.


The Psychiatrist
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric instutition."

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

[StrumSolo]

It's only Monday, but this is the funniest thing you'll see all week.

https://www.vinescope.com/failed-freestyle-236.html

[Timm24]

lol what about this one from the same sight

https://vinescope.com/beat-boxing-fail-217.html

these are fukking hilarious nice find

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It's only Monday, but this is the funniest thing you'll see all week.

https://www.vinescope.com/failed-freestyle-236.html

WTF HAVE YOU DONE?? I've got work to do today, i'm fukking ADDICTED!!!

https://vinescope.com/how-deep-is-that-202.html

[RussyRover]

A young woman went into a pet shop one morning and asked:
"Do you sell large white bears?"
"No I'm afraid we don't" said the sales assistant. And the woman left.
The next day she was back again. "Do you sell large white bears?" she asked.
No, I'm afraid we don't" said the assistant. The woman left again.
The next day she was there again. "Do you sell large white bears?" she asked.
"No, we don't" said the assistant. "And this is the third day you've come in and asked me that."
"I'm so sorry" said the young woman, "but I can't help it you see. I have buy polar disorder."


When God was making the world, he bestowed on man a sex life of 20 years. Man was horrified. "Only 20 years Lord?. Can't I have more?" he begged.
God would not be moved-that was all the time he would give man.
Then God called upon the monkey and gave him a sex life of 20 years. "I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up and said, "Can I have the monkey's spare 10 years?"
God agreed to grant these extra years to the man.
Then god called upon the lion, and gave him a sex life of 20 years.
The lion said he only needed 10 years and again, the man asked for the extra time to be added to his account. God agreed to this.
Then God called upon the donkey. The donkey was also given a sex life of 20 years, but like the others said that 10 years was enough.
Again, man asked for the spare years to be added to his account and God gave them to him.
And that explains why man experiences 20 years of normal sex life, then has 10 years monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and spends a final 10 years making an ass of himself!!!

[StrumSolo]

Been a while...

A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, "Is there food around here?" He says, "Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way — there's a big bacon tree over that hill." "A bacon tree?" "Yeah, so I wouldn't go that way."

The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, "There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive."

The Norwegian said, Vait a minute. He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, "Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."

[RussyRover]

Tom discovers that Mick's wife Sally is having an affair. He knows he ought to tell him, but can't think of how to break the news.
Tom arranges to meet Mick in the local pub. On the way there, he walks past Mick's house and sees Sally's bit on the side slipping in the front door.
He hurries to the pub, and finds Mick stood at the bar. "Here" says Tom. "Have you ever fancied a threesome?"
"You bet I have" Mick replies. "That's always been one of my favourite fantasies."
"Well you'd better hurry on home" says Tom. "You might be just in time."


I said to my missus last night that i was going to fuck her like a world champion.. to which she replied i would rather you fuck me like Lewis Hamilton and try coming second for a change...


Australia recently announced one of the worlds biggest oil discoveries.
The US government are making immediate plans to bring democracy to the poor, oppressed people of Australia.

[lorensimon]

Bank On It

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full. :D:D



Golf Course Blonde

Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course?

A: The 19th hole.



Extra Large Condoms

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?"

The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"

[Outlaw87]

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."



The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

[lorensimon]

funny jokes :D clean your brain !!!



1+1 = 3 ( if you don't use a condom )

[StrumSolo]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it'