Jokes

[RussyRover]

Several scholars were asked "What is 2+2?"

The engineer whips out his calculator and answers "3.99"
The physicist pulls out some technical references, models the problem on the computer and proudly announces, "The answer is between 3.98 and 4.02"
The statistician replied, "I need more data points"
The philosopher replies, "What is the meaning of 2?"
The psychologist replies, "How does 2+2 make you feel?"
The medical student replies "4"

The others look at him and ask, "How do you know?"
He replies, "I memorized it"



My cousin's a lazy bastard - sits around all day doing fuck all, drinking, surfing the internet for porn.
Jeez, I wish I had an office job too!!!!



My sexy secretary bent over at the office today, so I pulled down her panties and tried to start fingering her, but she screamed and ran away.
I was very confused and pondered the situation for a long time.
I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies....



How many policemen does it take to smash an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs....

[RussyRover]

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."



One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!



A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.' So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.' The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So the waiter says 'Why don't you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'

[RussyRover]

Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now." "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away." "No I wouldn't," replied the second." "All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top." The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"



For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat.
Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice.
I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows....

[lorensimon]

Dirty Joke and .... Rude :D

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[lucybisclass]

"Are you from America madam?"

"You think I am American just because I am a little overweight?"

"No madam, it's because this is Tesco and we don't sell guns."

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On Monday I said to my boss, "I have a dentist's appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?"

"No problem," he said.

On Friday he pulled me up and said, "What's this? You've put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o'clock on Monday."

I replied, "I know, I told you I'd make the time up."

[RussyRover]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"


I was stopped by a Korean prostitute in the park last night.
She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing."
I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog....



A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"

[vigor95]

some of these jokes are old but they still bring a smile to my face everytime i hear them

[lorensimon]

A mother and her child were at a wedding.

A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

[RussyRover]

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may be attracted to plain facial features.
When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man.
If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple....




Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."



I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me...



I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in "Evangelist" you can get the words "Evil's Agent"....



I tried to encourage the wife to lose some weight...
But it was all pear shaped from the start....

[RussyRover]

I've just had a massive argument with the wife.
She didn't agree she was massive....


The Emperor hates eBay.
That's why he gets Darth Vader to do his bidding....


A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."