Jokes

[RussyRover]

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[RussyRover]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."


Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!"...

[Hornydude121]

Cameron has today defended plans to have trainee nurses start off as health care assistants before they start nursing.

That's fine. As long as trainee politicians start off as sewer workers before they start talking shit.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"There is no such thing as society" - Margaret Thatcher, 1988

"There is no such thing as Margaret Thatcher" - Society, 2013

[RussyRover]

"Cunt"... I yelled at Bono from the side of the stage. He was clearly getting irritated.
"Egotistical prick!"... I screamed. He looked at me with glaring eyes and turned back towards his act.
Then I dodged security, jumped on the stage and shoved Bono tumbling into his lead guitarist.
I can't take it" he cried.. "You've just pushed me to the Edge"...


If I had a pound for every time I looked at Bono and thought, "Wow, you're awesome," I'd have zero pounds...


Can somebody who knows Chuck Norris please tell him that Bono thinks he's a cunt?


What do you call a clone of Bono?
A Replicunt...


I just explained Google images to my mum.
''Pick anything to search for'', I said. She replied ''What about a nice cream pie?''.
''Except that.'' I said.

[funforme1000]

A man walks into a bar and start to talk to a woman. "Hello, my name is bond". Woman say "James Bond?", "No says the man, Uni-Bond I'm here to fill your crack"

[Hornydude121]

Ever tried anal sex?

It's fucking shit!

___________________

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, "You can't do this to me!"
I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her."

___________________

Women are like Xbox 360s...you won't be playing with them when they red ring.

___________________

In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

[RussyRover]

i before e except after c.
Difficult rule when spelling Bieber, as i feel compelled to use the prefix 'Cunt.'


So Justin Bieber has upset his fans again by arriving 2 hours late for his Dubai concert.
What a great opportunity for Islamists to unite with Christians. By jailing the cunt for life...


So, drugs and a stun gun had reportedly been found on Justin Bieber's tour bus..
That'll be how the staff cope with working for the annoying little prick then....


Swedish police found drugs on Biebers tour bus.....
....shame they couldn't find any talent!!!!


Experts have warned that Justin Bieber's monkey could suffer mental damage if it spends months in quarantine.
The monkey has said that he's prepared to take the risk....

[RussyRover]

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.
Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...


Instead of getting my wife a new ring, I got her 4 new rings.
Or a 'hob' as it's more commonly known....


My wife says I shouldn't moan when she parks several inches out from the curb.
But when I'm one inch out of place in the bedroom she goes berserk!!!!


I was walking around the shop aimlessly for 20 minutes getting more and more frustrated that I could not find what I wanted.
Eventually an attractive women came over, "Hello sir, can I help you?" she said, "What are you looking for?"
"Yes," I replied, "Please take me to the Boss."
"I'm sorry but she's not here today."
I fucking hate shopping for perfumes....

[RussyRover]

Rafa Benitez has formally applied for the Manchester United manager position.
United have responded by informing him that April 1st was over a month ago....


As a sign of respect to Sir Alex Ferguson announcing his retirement, all Premier League games this weekend are to have a minutes applause in the 102nd minute...


Fabian Barthez has been offered the Manchester United job via a phone call this morning, Everything was going great until he dropped the phone...


Man United fans are demanding a 5% reduction in their season ticket prices next season due to the shorter matches at Old Trafford...


Heartbreak in the Mark Hughes household as he leaps up to answer his mobile phone only to be asked if he's ever been mis-sold PPI"


Manchester United have released a statement saying that following his retirement, Alex Ferguson will be taking charge upstairs.
God isn't too happy....

[lorensimon]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’


“They say cheese gives you nightmares. Ridiculous! I’m not scared of cheese.”


“My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s eighty-five and we don’t know where he is.”


Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So it’s easier for them to stand next to the kitchen sink