Jokes

[StrumSolo]

[lorensimon]

Why wouldn't Eva Braun give Adolf a blowjob?

He always left a Nazi taste in her mouth.

_________________________________________________________

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

_________________________________________________________

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

__________________________________________________________

This is for you, Sarah:

Why do you condemn Sickipedia and say it is only sick and twisted people who post jokes here, yet drink Lambrini and laugh hysterically at equally offensive jokes on 'Mock the Week' when your friends are round the flat?

You are a total cunt. Pack your bags tonight and fuck off. It's over.

____________________________________________________________

[Ekul-MR]

This cat is HOOKED!

[Ekul-MR]

[StrumSolo]

[StrumSolo]

[lorensimon]

Short Japan Jokes

Q: How does every Japanese joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Japanese man and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Japan beauty contest? A: Me neither.

Q: What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday? A: "Erection" day.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Japan? A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? A: So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Q: What has 2 wings and a halo? A: A Japanese telephone, Wing-wing, halo?

Q: What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool? A: Rice Krispies

Q: A Japanese ship sinks, there is only one lifeboat, how many people are saved? A: Nine. (The Japanese word for lifeboat is 'kyuu-mei', which is another way to say 'nine people'.)

Q: What Japanese drink is made from cabbage, carrots, and broccoli? A: Mitsuya Cider ('mitsu yasai da' means 'three vegetables')

Q: What did the Japanese father tell his daughter? A: You allergic to bees.....Good! Get A's or C your way out of my house.

Q: A pig and a horse had a race. Who won? A: The pig. (Why? 'ton-katsu da kara'. 'Ton-katsu' is 'pork cutlet', and 'katsu' also means 'to win'.)

JAPANESE PREGNANCY TEST: Put an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she is pregnant. If you spin a Japanese man around would he become disoriented? If Japanese Pop is Jpop then what is Chinese rap? CRAP? I wonder if the Japanese put their smileys like this ¦)

[gooner666]

Who Enjoys Sex More,,,,, A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

---

Mirror, Mirror,,,, A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

---

A man is telling his friend of a recent experience: "I was walking along beside the railway line" he says, "When I saw this girl tied to the tracks. Well, naturally I freed her, pulled her off the tracks and ended up having sex with her all night." "Did you get a blow job?" asks his friend. "No!" he says, "I never did find the head."

[gooner666]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

---

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

---

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[lorensimon]

Muscular Man


A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''