Jokes

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[lorensimon]

Funny Quotes :

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
( Lana Turner )

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
( Ron White )

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
( Elbert Hubbard )

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
( Albert Einstein )

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
( Jim Carrey )

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
( Margaret Mead )

[gooner666]

A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The bartender goes, "You can't bring that animal in here!" But the guy says, "Hey, he does tricks. Watch!" He taps on the crocodile's head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile's mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile's head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, "I'll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that." Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, "I... I think I can do that. But I don't think I can leave my mouth open that long!"

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Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

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[fouraprilclose]

The owner of Manchester City goes into the changing room to show Yaya Toure some love. "I'm very sorry, Yaya," he says. "It was disrepectful to forget your birthday. I've done my research, and I now know everything about you. Ask me anything..."
"OK," shouts Yaya, from the other side of the room. "Why are you talking to Micah Richards?"

(FOund on Sickipedia for reference!)

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