Jokes

[Hilary Briss]

[StrumSolo]

[gooner666]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

---

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Liverpool Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the Livrpool Fan. Twice.

[lorensimon]

How to Sleep at Work

Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, do you?!"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken."

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Its okay. I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. "... and I especially want to thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

[gooner666]

It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class. 'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.' The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad. Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Liverpool.'

[StrumSolo]

[StrumSolo]

[gooner666]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

---

Paddy said to Mick, "Mick, have you ever taken a selfie?"

Mick said, "No Paddy, Have you?"

Paddy said, "I would do but I'm always on the wrong side of the lens."

---

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the champions league."
"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.

[gooner666]

There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil. The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth. So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed. 1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth, Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth. Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says you forgot my lighter bitch!

---

A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Liverpool supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Liverpool supporters, too. Not really knowing what a Liverpool supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Liverpool fan." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "Why I'm proud to be a Manchester United supporter.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Manchester United supporter. "Well, My Dad and Mom are Manchester United supporters, and I'm a Manchester United fan, too!" The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool supporter."

[StrumSolo]

See if you can spot one this weekend...