Jokes

[lorensimon]

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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[StrumSolo]

[StrumSolo]

[StrumSolo]

Seem legit.

[StrumSolo]

[lorensimon]

60 Fun ways to order a pizza




1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

6. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

7. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

8. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

9. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

12. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

13. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

15. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

16. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

17. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

18. Change your accent every three seconds.

19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

20. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

21. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

22. Rent a pizza.

23. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

24. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

25. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

26. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

27. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

28. Imitate the order taker's voice.

29. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

30. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

31. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

32. Ask to see a menu.

33. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

36. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

37. Ask what the pizza place's phone number is. Hang up, and call again.

38. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

39. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

40. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

41. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

42. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

43. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

44. Be vague in your order.

45. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

46. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

47. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

48. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

49. Put them on hold.

50. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

51. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

52. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

53. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

54. Order term life insurance.

55. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

56. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

57. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

58. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

59. Order a steamed pizza.

60. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

[lorensimon]

hihihi ...

[StrumSolo]

Ha!

[lorensimon]

The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"



The Vacation

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[StrumSolo]