Jokes

[da1nonly_42]

I was in the pub with my mate last night when he walked off to the toilet leaving his phone on the table.

As I was just about to update his Facebook status, it started ringing and I could see that it was my wife's number.

"Hello?" I said, answering it.

"Hey sexy," she purred, "I'm currently masturbating on the bed and I want you to come here and fuck me."

"You silly bitch," I said, "Why didn't you just ring my phone?"

[RussyRover]

My missus is trying to encourage couples to try doggy style sex more often.
I'm behind her all the way...
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The results of a survey out today say 63% of people say manners aren't as good as they used to be.
The other 37% told the researcher to fuck off....
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Police report that a man found dead had choked on a Steak and Kidney Pudding.
The coroner recorded a verdict of 'Suetcide'...
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Paddy was in court to give evidence as a witness to a head-on car crash.
The judge asked him whose fault it was.
Paddy said, "Well, as far as I could tell, they hit each other at about the same time."

[da1nonly_42]

I went to see my Doctor today.

"Doc, whenever I have sex my penis hurts"

"Can you tell me how you have sex?" he replied.

"Sure, but your Dad probably should have had this talk with you".

[RussyRover]

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out £300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza...

[RussyRover]

It's new Pope Day .. 115 Catholic priests in the same room in the Vatican at the same time.
The choirboys started hiding last Thursday...
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Cardinal Oskar Sikola of Warsaw Poland has withdrawn from the race to be the next Pope.
Apparently the Catholic Church isn't ready to have a Pope Sikola!!!
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My mate has this fancy manicure set. The other day, he asked me if I wanted to use his 'male grooming kit'.
I replied; "What do you think I am, a Catholic priest?"
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"Where have all the good men gone? and where are all the gods?" Archbishop Tartaglia said at mass this morning.
I thought he was ready to belt out Bonnie Tyler's I need a hero. Turns out he was referring to recent events in the church.

[da1nonly_42]

My mate Dave asked me what I had bought for Mother's Day.

"Stockings, silky underwear, lube, a few new sex toys to try out and I've booked a room for the two of us at the Hilton."

"Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate, mate?" he replied.

"Oh no, it's not for my Mum, mate, it's all for yours."

[RussyRover]

Pope Benedict resigned, saying that at 85 he didn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.
A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.
Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"
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I showed my wife a picture of a size 10, nicely built woman today.
"You should go to the gym tomorrow morning!" I told her.
"Ooh, you think soon I may look a bit like her?"
Fuck knows what she's on about, my new girlfriend's coming over and I need her to fuck off for a while...

[RussyRover]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"
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My friend Murphy told me that Saint Patrick drove all of the snakes out of Ireland in 461 AD.
Honestly, Murphy is just so thick.
Cars hadn't even been invented in 461 AD!!!

[RussyRover]

After he retires from football, Michael Owen has said that he wants to study law.
So that will be two careers spent sitting on the bench....
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Michael Owen to retire at end of season.
1 in 4 Football physios expected to be jobless by Christmas...
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I talked my date into bed last night.
I had to. There was no way I was letting her guide dog come upstairs....
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The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts.
I've had a similar problem like that for many years now,
It's called a wife...

[RussyRover]

My missus told me I can be a right bastard sometimes, so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays...


My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.
As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.
As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?"
"Don't worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled.
"I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied.


Been waiting at the pub for my missus to pick me up for hours now.
How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!