Jokes

[UubbaGuubba]

A scientist walked into a pub and ordered concentrated sodium hydroxide

The barman said "why the strong base?"

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A man on a bus keeps staring at another passenger, finally the passenger gets fed up and asks why he's staring?
He says "if it wasn't for the moustache you'd look just like my wife"
"But I haven't got a moustache" he replies
"No, but my wife does!"

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What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A microwave wont brown your meat

[RussyRover]

Two blokes meet each other on the pavement both dragging their right foot.
The one bloke looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says,
"Nam,'69".
The other points his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back".

[da1nonly_42]

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15Tub of Vaseline: £3XL Box of Tissues: £2The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

[RussyRover]

Mickey Mouse went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was going on and why he wanted a divorce.The lawyer was shocked and told Mickey that he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.
The following week Mickey showed up and the lawyer said,"I've been investigating your allegations and I don't think you can prove that Minnie is crazy."
"Crazy?" Mickey exclaimed."I didn't say she was crazy,I said she was fucking Goofy!!!" :P

[UubbaGuubba]

Apparently Cher was going to team up with the Spice Girls on their last reunion tour; she was going to be called Old Spice

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A blind man goes for a job as a Quality Inspector at a saw mill. The boss is dubious but agrees to interview him
The blind man says he can do the job without even touching the wood. The boss puts a piece of wood in front of him and asks for his assessment. The blind man leans forward, sniffs and says "a good piece of willow", impressed the boss puts another piece in front of the blind man to which the blind man says "a poor piece of Ash". The boss decides to try and catch the blind man out. He gets his secretary to come in, raise her skirt and drop her knickers!
The blind man leans forward and sniffs but rubs his chin. Finally he asks if the wood could be turned over, with this the secretary turns around and presents her arse to the blind man. Again he leans forward and sniffs "ah-ha!" he says "it's a shit house door from a Grimsby trawler"

[RussyRover]

A group of girls are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends or husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they go to the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." This still isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, so knowing there are still two floors left, they continue up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they may be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." :P

[RussyRover]

A family are driving along a busy road one day behind an Ann Summers lorry when suddenly a 10'' dildo flies out of the back of the lorry and bounces off the car windscreen.
The mother, in a quick attempt to protect little Billy's innocence, turns around and tells Billy that it was only an insect to which little Billy replies; '' Fucking hell, i'm suprised the cunt can even fly with a cock like that!!''
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Paddy turns to Murphy "set the alarm for five in the morning". Murphy replies "shut up you fuckin idiot, there's only the two of us!"

[UubbaGuubba]

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around

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Why are women like fridges?
They both drip when they're fucked

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Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "are you sure you can drive this thing?"

[RussyRover]

Two guys were working late in a morgue, when one guy said, “Hey, there's a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!”
The other asked, “What's a shrimp doing in a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.”
Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiously looked. Finally, the second man said, “You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.”
And the other man replied, “Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.”

[RussyRover]

I was out shopping with the wife earlier when she turned to me and said,"You're such a lazy bastard."
I was so shocked that I almost fell out of the fucking trolley.
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Two drunks were sitting outside the local clinic, crying like hell. A passer-by asked, “Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for a blood test”,
“So, are you afraid?”,
“No, it's not that. During the blood test they accidentally sliced my finger off!”
He turned to the second drunk and asked, “So why are you crying?”, he replied, “I have come for my urine test!”