Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Lying in bed facing the wife, i looked into her eyes and said, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery"
She replied, "yoy mean i am worth millions?"
I said, "No, i wish you'd fuckin roll over!"

[gymaddict69]

The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate.
Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into

[gymaddict69]

I was doing a crossword – I asked the wife ‘What’s a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends with UNT?
She replied ‘Aunt’
I said, ‘Pass the Tippex will you?’

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain.
The tattoo parlour wasn’t there

[gymaddict69]

I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick bastard. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

[gymaddict69]

I went to a Christmas party for transvestites last night.
Eat, drink and be Mary

Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Hope so, I've got no tissues left

Sex in the toilets ... in for a penny, in for a pound.

[gymaddict69]

I went train spotting once.
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.

I was driving to work this morning when I passed a pub sign which read “all day breakfast”.
I thought. I don’t have time for that

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse, being a horse and unable to speak English or any other language for that matter, looks at the barman, shits on the floor and walks out.

[gymaddict69]

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot

My wife and I were going out on a rare date and as we were leaving, the babysitter graciously told us to take as long as we'd like.
That was 5 years ago, I hope she's enjoying being a single parent

[gymaddict69]

I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the blokes with two hands who knock the shit out of me

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up...
I wish I’d never put it on now...

As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

[gymaddict69]

Next door's dog shit in our garden again this morning. My wife said "Get a spade and throw it over their fence"
I don't see what that will prove though? Because we've still got dog shit in our garden and now the neighbours have got our spade

My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet.
She said, "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said, "I'm not, I'm just getting used to the smell of piss."

[gymaddict69]

On his last tour of Ireland , the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down .
" I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it " , he replied .

My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.
I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.