Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Two elderly ladies are enjoying a cup of tea when one says "I'm going to get a boob job"
The other says "That's nothing, I'm going to get my arsehole bleached"
The first one replies, "You know, I can't imagine your husband liking his hair being blonde"

I like to scare my girlfriend while she's folding the laundry.
It's the only way I can get her to drop her knickers.

[gymaddict69]

My wife said i make love like a painter.
I said, "What, like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail and the result of a masterpiece?"
She said, "No, like the council, rush the job, leave a fucking mess and i have to finish it myself!"

[gymaddict69]

I walked into the lounge to find my wife breast feeding our son.
"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
"Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother." I replied.

[gymaddict69]

The wife said, "You haven't listened to a fucking word I've said, have you?"
What strange way to start a conversation with me.

I saw a sign when we visited the Zoo once. "Do Not Feed The Animals"
"It's £10 for a burger," I said to my wife. "I'm not even feeding the fucking kids."

[gymaddict69]

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time

Apparently the clocks go back tonight
Well I'm fucked then.
I can't remember where I got mine from

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some domination and humiliation games, so I agreed.
Now we're married.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[gymaddict69]

On Saturday my pal went through the painful procedure of having his spine and both testicles removed....
Still, he got some great wedding presents though.

A teacher asks her pupils to discuss what their dads do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad people in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He went, "Urrrrgghh...arrrghh...and then shit himself...."

[gymaddict69]

The wife turned to me last night and said " turn the lamp off and you can stick it up my arse"
Maybe be I should of let the bulb cool down first though.

I was at the doctors and he asked how are your bowels I said 7.am regular every day, he said so what's wrong?
I said I don't wake up till 8

[gymaddict69]

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.
Looking at her lifless there, i decided to have one last go.
Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted boo!
Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

[gymaddict69]

Two pensioners are enjoying oral sex together.
The old man says, "I can't stay down here for too long it stinks."
The old lady replies, "sorry it's my arthritis."
The old man says, "Arthritis in your vagina?"
"No!" says the old lady. " The arthritis is in my shoulder, i can't wipe my ass!"