Jokes

[SirWanksAlot86]

Husband: Honey, did you see what I bought today. Olympic condoms! They come in three colors gold, silver and bronze.
Wife: Oh wow, are you using one today?
Husband: Yes!
Wife: Which color?
Husband: Gold, obviously!
Wife: For a change, why not use silver? You always come first. Try come second this time.

[parkaner]

[SirWanksAlot86]

My sister asked me to take off her clothes.
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked into my eyes and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

[gymaddict69]

Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions.
I thought 'aren't they what Death sits on?'

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

[gymaddict69]

Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: Haha big time !
Doctor: Like, with another person?
Me: Oh, then no.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "May be" says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

[gymaddict69]

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.
Maybe it got married.

[gymaddict69]

A woman's orgasm is like the weekend.
It seems to take ages to get there then when it finally arrives you're too tired to enjoy it

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today.
I said, "Chin up, love." She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."
I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

[gymaddict69]

Barman says to Paddy, "Your glass is empty do you want another one?"
Paddy replies "What the feck would i want with two empty glasses?"

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

[gymaddict69]

A man has a £50 note tattooed on his cock. His wife says , "why have you done that?" He replies, For
1. I like to see my money grow
2. I like to play with my money
3. I like having money in my hand.
And last but not least, the next time you wanna blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it!

[gymaddict69]

These strong winds are getting ridiculous...
I only walked to the shop to grab some milk and i got blown into the fucking pub

I looked outside and it was pissing it down.
I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that.
I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'