Jokes

[gymaddict69]

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

[parkaner]

Sometimes I struggle to understand this modern internet speak.
Yesterday I had to ask my neighbour's daughter what IDK means.
"I don't know" she said.
Some bloody use she was  

[gymaddict69]

I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.
Into the road.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?
Because they change theirs more often.

At a job interview: "What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"

[parkaner]

[gymaddict69]

This man approached me in town, "Would you like a big issue Sir?" He asked.
"No thanks," I replied. "I'm sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home."

If your grandmother'still furniture is covered in plastic , it's probably because she's a squirter.

[gymaddict69]

A Chinese baby was born prematurely.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

I was invited to a party...
"Black tie only" was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

[parkaner]

Two chemists go into a restaurant.  
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."  
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.



Q: Why did the computer go to the dentist?  
A: Because it had Bluetooth.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.
So I dumped her.

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'
What the make love is she talking about?

Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?
At least the one I fucked did.

[parkaner]

Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

[gymaddict69]

So this guy is on speed, which makes him feel really horny, so he walks into a whore house to get himself a good f**k. On the inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress:

- "Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out?"
The lady says:
- "Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right."
The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures:
- "Oh well you get what you pay for!", and he screws that chicken to near death, there are feathers flying everywhere.

So the next day the guy is still a bit high and decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam:

- "Listen lady, I've only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me?"
- "Sure!" says the madam. "Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time".

The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.

-"This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!!" the guy says to one of the other men. The other man says
- "Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was guy in there fucking a chicken!"