Jokes

[parkaner]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
 
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50  
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50  
HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  
"Can I help you?" she asks.  
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

[gymaddict69]

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she will show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling "ill be fucked if im hanging around for 67 more of them"..

[gymaddict69]

You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

[parkaner]

Chuck Norris was once part of a knock knock joke.  
The Joke ended abruptly when after the first knock the door blew up killing the man behind it.


I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."
I said, "I don't get it."
He said, "That's right."

[gymaddict69]

I was so drunk last night.
When i got to the bottom of the stairs, i took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
I crept upstairs very quietly..it was only when i got to the top of the stairs, i realised i was on a fucking bus.

[gymaddict69]

Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one...
I think he needs Help.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.

[parkaner]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[parkaner]

[Outlaw87]

Cops said "your eyes look red, you been smoking weed?"
I said "your eyes look glazed, you been eating donuts?"

I approve gay marriage, gay Divorce Court would be funny as hell.

I started a club for guys who have trouble ejaculating
If you can't cum, let me know

[parkaner]