Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I was standing in a queue behind a very fat woman with a huge arse, when her phone started to bleep. A little boy behind her says 'fuck me, she's reversing!'

Last night my wife sent me a text saying she was in casualty. When i got home i watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once. She still has'nt come home yet..im starving.

[gymaddict69]

I asked my boss "what do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"
He replied , "Just pop it in the corner".
4 fucking hours it took me.

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face. If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

[gymaddict69]

Fella buys a talking centipede for £5000 and takes it home in a small box.
After 30 minutes he opens the box and says "would you like to go for a pint?"
The centipede des'nt answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.
Getting angry , thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.
At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time cunt, I'm putting my fucking shoes on".

[gymaddict69]

My friend David had his id stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.
It's seven.

[gymaddict69]

I was sucking off this bird the other day when I thought, "hang on a minute..."

Hitchhikers are so cool..
They are always giving me a thumbs up .


"I say I say I say, my wife is going to the West Indies. "
"Jamacia? "
"No, she went of her own accord. "

[hlb7619]

What does Will Smith leave behind at crime scenes?

Fresh prints...

[gymaddict69]

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."
No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.

My parents just said they want another child.
"I'd love a sibling!" I insisted.
"That's not what we meant." they added.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian , so I broke up with her .
It might be judgemental, but I have only known her since she has been Christine.

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

[gymaddict69]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

[gymaddict69]

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.