Jokes

[gymaddict69]

My sister asked me to take off her clothes.
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.
Then I realized that my life was a joke...

[SirWanksAlot86]

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
"Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[gymaddict69]

When ever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.
Sometimes I even let her in.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

[SirWanksAlot86]

There was a blonde driving in the country side when she went around the corner and saw an ocean of wheat fields.

Then she saw a blonde in a row boat frantically paddling.

The blonde driver yelled out, "Hey! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I knew how to swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass!

[SirWanksAlot86]

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

[gymaddict69]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

[SirWanksAlot86]

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

[gymaddict69]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fuckin boat," I thought to myself.

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

[Needsasuck]

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

[Needsasuck]

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!