Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. Murphy falls in hole and hurts himself. He calls out, "Paddy, call me an ambulance".
Paddy starts jumping up and down clapping his hands yelling, "Murphy's an ambulance, Murphy's an ambulance".

[gymaddict69]

Paddy and murphy are in Iraq. Murphy accidentally steps on a land mine. After a big explosion murphys left on the floor, screaming “Paddy, Paddy, help me, ive lost me legs.” Paddy looks and says “You lying fucker… they’re over there.”

[SirWanksAlot86]

the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly …”

She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”

[SirWanksAlot86]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."
The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."
Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[gymaddict69]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[SirWanksAlot86]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Frank passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Frank ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[gymaddict69]

Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns?

He asked the local farmer.

"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.

The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"

[SirWanksAlot86]

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

[SirWanksAlot86]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's,

and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[gymaddict69]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want dont you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"