Jokes

[Needsasuck]

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[Needsasuck]

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[Needsasuck]

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[Needsasuck]

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[gymaddict69]

This bloke is lying on the beach sun bathing wearing nothing but a cap over his willy. As lady walks by she stops and says "If you wee any sort of gentleman you would lift your cap to a lady" He replied "If you were any sort of lady that cap would lift itself"

[gymaddict69]

Sat watching TV when the wife walked past and turned it off. After a few minutes staring at a blank screen, I thought, that's not on!

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left!

[gymaddict69]

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'
The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[gymaddict69]

I hate predictive text.
I've just told my mum that I want to cum on her face.
It took me ages to write it, got there in the end though.

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one of the questions i really should have asked before buying a lighthouse.

[Friday]

A man walks into a bar
Ouch!


A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre
So he gives her one

[gymaddict69]

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who want's to know?

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A: If she has to chew before she can swallow.