Jokes

[Needsasuck]

A kid asks his mother about his cousins...
"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"

[gymaddict69]

I always make fun of my blind friend by saying "please read it for me, it's in braille" and giving him lego.
Seems there is FUCK OFF DAVE written on every single brick!

I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, "What superpower would you have if you could have any?"
"Invisibility," I replied.
"I'm intrigued," she went on. "What would you do if you were invisible?"
"Sit here and watch the TV in peace," I replied.

[Needsasuck]

Wife tells her husband that their 13-year-old son had sex with his teacher The wife demands the husband go upstairs and discipline the boy. The husband goes up to the room, shuts the door and says "I heard you had sex with your teacher." The boy sheepishly says, "yes, dad." The dad whispers, "You're not in trouble. I'm actually proud of you! I didn't have sex with my teacher until I was a senior in high school! You know that new bike you wanted? Let's go get it." So the dad takes the boy to the bike shop and buys him the new bike. "How about you ride your new bike home, son," says the dad proudly. "Naw, that's okay," the son replies. "My ass is still a little sore."

[Needsasuck]

What does the sun and cleavage have in common?
You can look at both for a second, but if want to stare you need to wear sunglasses.

I saw on a Viagra bottle "Keep away from Children"
What kind of a man do they think I am?

Someone told me flowers had sex organs
what a load of Poppycock!

[Needsasuck]

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims,
"So that's how you guys load those things!"

[Needsasuck]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!

[Needsasuck]

A man goes to a mental hospital to visit his elderly mother when upon entering, he sees a man making beeping noises and waving his arms around. "what are you doing?", he asks.
"I'm driving a car. Can't you see?"
"Actually, you're in a mental hospital and your car doesn't exi-"
Then suddenly someone shouted out "Don't tell him! I get $20 by washing his car!"

[Needsasuck]

What do lonely terrorists have sex with?
Blow-up dolls.

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?
His rotten girlfriend split on him.

Vaginas are like weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside

How do you keep idiots in suspense?......

[Needsasuck]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”

[Needsasuck]

Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?
Amazon

Why was the baby put in jail?
For resisting a rest.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

How was the chef's murder resolved?
The proof was in the pudding