Jokes

[Needsasuck]

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.
"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.
"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."
"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."
After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:
"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"
The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:
"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"
"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"

[Needsasuck]

Wife: “Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.”
Husband: “O.K., hun.”
Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: “Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”
Husband: “They had eggs.”

[Needsasuck]

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

[Needsasuck]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

[Needsasuck]

Three girls die and go to heaven they are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."

[Needsasuck]

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?" He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

[Needsasuck]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[gymaddict69]

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.
On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."
"Grow up," she replied.
"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."
"Stop pissing about," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

[gymaddict69]

My husband's stuck in Paddington at the moment.
Apparently marmalade isn't a very good lubricant.

My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"
I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."

[gymaddict69]

Selling a pair of jeans on ebay and the buyer asks if they're pet and smoke free
I told her if the dog was able to walk around in jeans and smoke I wouldn't need to sell shit on ebay.

Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?
Finding a condom in your hole!