Jokes

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of. The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.” Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.” “Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number. I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording. “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

“Excuse me sir,” said the man to one of the stewards on an Amtrak Train, “I always get nauseous when I go on trains, so I am going to to take a heavy sleeping pill, but please do whatever you can to make sure I get off when it stops in Baltimore. I really don’t want to miss my great aunt’s funeral.” “Sure thing!” said the steward happily, we’ll make you sure you get off!” Six hours later the train stopped in Washington D.C. and the man jumped out of his seat in a panic, “WHAT THE HECK! I ASKED YOU TO WAKE ME UP IN BALTIMORE!” “Oh boy! He looks mad!” Remarked the fellow behind him to his wife. “Not half as mad as that other guy they carried off back in Baltimore.” She whispered back.

[ace3000]

A physicist goes to an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream for himself and offers an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing. The man said “well I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me” The owner says” well there are a lot of single beautiful woman come in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you”. And the physicist says “yeah, but what are the odds of that happening”!)

Love this joke

[gymaddict69]

My 84 yaer old grandad was decorating our front room earlier when unfortunatly whilst in the middle of doing so his body gave up and he kicked the bucket. The daft old bastard got paint everywhere.

[gymaddict69]

BBC NEWS: two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking.

Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations and i found a present i forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.

[gymaddict69]

Everyone says that my deodorant smells disgusting and makes them want to vomit. But that shows how stupid they are, i dont even wear deodorant.

My wifes fanny smells like roses. But rose's fanny is tighter.

[gymaddict69]

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up and brings it into the car. She says "Look, its shivering, it must be cold, what should i do?". Her husband replies "Stick it between your legs to keep it warm". She asks," What about the smell?". He says "Hold its nose".

[gymaddict69]

A dog is truly a mans best friend. If you dont believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

[gymaddict69]

I was having a dirty webcam chat with a blonde last night. I said to her "How many fingers can you get inside your pussy?"

She replied "Ooh, ive never tried before. Let me have a go, i'll be right back".

Five minutes later she comes back breathing heavily and sweating. She tells me "That was fun, i managed to get all ten in but he scratched my arms to bits and shat all over my hand".

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriends a vegitarian feminist. Welcome to bean burger and go fuck yourself day.

My wife left me when she caught me in the act, sucking my own cock earlier. Yeah, like im bothered now.