Jokes

[gymaddict69]

A girl came up to me in a bar - Short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What would you say if i told you that i was wearing no underwear", she breathed.

" I'd say ' neither am i'".

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? Im wearing none because it gives men like you, easy access".

"Oh?", I replied. "Ive got none on because i shit myself in the gents".

[gymaddict69]

If size doesnt matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't 3 inches long and crooked.

I accidently sent a picture of my cock to everyone in my address book today. Not only was it really embarrasing, it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

[gymaddict69]

Two interesting facts about me 1) My knob is he same length as two argos pens and 2) Im banned from argos.

I tried to send my girlfriend a picture of my cock earlier today but my phone alerted me "Recipient may not be able to receive files this large". Thats a nice boost for my confidence, anyway.

[gymaddict69]

"I'm sorry but I've had a better offer," I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.

"I asked you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and fuck me - what could be better than that?" she asked.

"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and she only lives around the corner."

[care3]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Hope this jokes not been posted already lol

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."