Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I was trying to have sex with my massive wife last night, when she looked down at my pathetic, semi and sneered
"jesus, Brian, doesn't grow very big, does it?".
"Well, it wont" i replied. " Theres too much fucking shade."

[gymaddict69]

My wife was going wild in the sack last night. So, eventually i got up and let her out.

After three years without sex my wife finally told me that we could start shagging again. I didn't have the heart to tell her that i never stopped.

[moto1045]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[care3]

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend was on page 3 today. Before i put her to bed tomorrow, were going to read page 4.

If the Sun have dropped page 3, thats the last time I splash out on a copy.

The homeless problem would be solved if the big issue had tits in it.

[gymaddict69]

I raised the alarm at work today. The midgets were furious.

No matter how bad your day is, no matter how broke you are or how wet you got coming back from work. Nothing cheers you up quite like a midget on the bus.

[woody2]

I knocked on my neighbour's door at 3am this morning and said, "I've been listening to your shit music for the last 4 hours!"

"That's impossible." he replied, "My CD's were stolen in a burglary last night."

"I know." I said, "And now I wish that I'd never bothered."








I was learning Spanish with my teacher today, and she asked me to talk about my girlfriend in Spanish.

So I gave it my best attempt, but she laughed half-way through. So I asked her what the problem was.

She said, 'You accidentally just said that your girlfriend was 3 years old!'

So we had a good laugh, but I still can't see what the mistake was.

[iamme]

[At the last supper]

Jesus: *Breaks bread* This is my body
Jesus: *Pours wine* This is my blood
Jesus: *Reaches for mayo* ...
Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

[gymaddict69]

After my wife finished sucking me off, i said, "you dont really love me, do you?"
"I dont know what you mean? she said as she started packing up the hoover.

I licked out a prostitute behind the skips round the back of Sainsburys last night. You can Taste the Difference.

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend was sucking me off when she asked me if i would like to come in her mouth. At least, i assumed that's what "mmn fkng No! Fgurble, you fkng badlard! gurble," meant.

I took a few pictures of myself wanking earlier today. I didn't realise the curtain only came half way down in the photo booth, now im banned from the post office.