Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Make little things count; teach arthmitic to dwarves.

Dwarfism: Its a growing problem

Sometimes when im bored i like to buy 4 kitkat chunky's, melt them a little bit, stick them together and then pretend im a midget eating a normal size KitKat.

[wildbunch]

A new study has concluded that men that take a lot of selfies are narcissists. Phew, given the amount Kim Kardashian and Katie Price post of themselves, I'm so glad the same isn't true of women

[gymaddict69]

My wife bought a new table lamp home. After messing with it for ten minutes she said, "Huh, the damn things like you, it wont work". So i had a look at it for a while. "More like you", i said " its not wired up right and can't be turned on".

[care3]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?". The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

---

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

[gymaddict69]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, i got a painfull hard and obvious erection. " Maybe you should wait outside whilst i examine your dog, " said the vet.

Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. I better wash my socks.

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

---

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

---

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
“Give us the money”, they shout at the Queen.
“But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money.”
“Oh, shit”, says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. “Give us yer jewels.”
“But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.”
The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. “Quick, out of the car! We’ll have the Range Rover at least,” and with that the robbers drive off. As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, “What did you do with all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”
“Ah,” says the Queen, “I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have.”
Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. “And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear.” The Queen says to Anne.
“Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.” Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne “You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover.”

[StrumSolo]

Can I have my ball back?




High five?

[ANONYMOUS ANDY]

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

---

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history…

---

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of the “k”.
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased with the “f.” This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fivez year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fivz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
AND ZEN VE VIL TAK AL OVER ZE VORLD!!!

---

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

---

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.