So I've dusted off the ol' Grays Sports Almanac (2014 edition) to let you all know what'll happen between now and the end of the season.
Arsenal – The injury list continues to grow and an alarming dip in form means 4th place and Champions League qualification aren’t secured until the final day, Nicklas Bendtner netting the winner against Norwich. That, coupled with his starring role in the cup final win over Hull sees him awarded a new 4 year £100k a week contract. Abou Diaby returns from injury, gets injured again.
Aston Villa – They finish 10th, no-one appears to be particularly pleased about it.
Cardiff – With survival seemingly assured a week early, Vincent Tan hastily commissions, builds and unveils a statue of Vincent Tan before the season finale at home to Chelsea, screaming the Phil Brown version of Sloop John B as he pulls back the curtain. Unfortunately, a series of freak results (not least the Bluebirds’ 8-0 defeat) means that they are in fact relegated. The statue gets trashed.
Chelsea – Forced to settle for 2nd in the league but a series of thrilling 0-0s and 1-0 victories propel them to a 2nd Champions League title in 3 years. Various newspapers call for Jose Mourinho to be knighted, Roberto Di Matteo’s name is never uttered again.
Crystal Palace - Victory on the final day at Fulham sees them sneak out of the relegation places at Cardiff’s expense. Shades of Allardyce-Okocha as Tony Pulis pirouettes on the pitch with Marouane Chamakh.
Everton – 5th. Always a bridesmaid…
Fulham – Bottom. Really bottom.
Hull – A respectable 13th placed finish and FA Cup final appearance are overshadowed by squabbles between the fans and the owner. Something about a name change?
Liverpool – Their first league win in 24 years is secured on the penultimate weekend away to Palace. Celebrations on the final day are somewhat muted however due to the minute’s silence and all the black armbands on show after the tragic loss of Stevie Gerrard’s budgie. Luis Suarez hands in an unexpected transfer request too, but ends up signing an improved contract.
Man City – Just 3rd. Not great given all the money spent but still 5 places higher than…
Man Utd – Who limp to 8th spot under caretaker manager Ryan Giggs. David Moyes was last seen en route to Aberdeen in his socks, wielding a giant Toblerone.
Newcastle – 4 games in to his touchline/stadium ban, Pardew jacks in the football management game for a spot on the WWE roster. Joe Kinnear replaces him, swears a lot, and they finish 9th.
Norwich – With results showing no signs of improvement by mid-April, Delia Smith thinks about sacking Chris Hughton. She then realises their last four games are against Liverpool, United, Chelsea and Arsenal, so lets him get on with it. Relegated amidst the Ricky van Wolfswinkel impersonator scandal, which was really shocking.
Southampton – An impressive 7th placed finish, but all the goodwill built up over the course of the season is undone as Adam Lallana breaks Wayne Rooney’s leg on the final day, ending England’s hopes of winning the World Cup. Bastard.
Stoke – Nothing interesting happened at all.
Sunderland – With results slipping there’s talk of Di Canio being parachuted in for another rescue mission prior to the Cardiff game. But Poyet masterminds an always-likely victory, and the rest of the season is played out with minimum fuss. 15th.
Swansea – Too good to go down are they? But are they? Really? Is anyone too good to go down? That Garry Monk’s a bit inexperienced… Are they? 16th.
Tottenham – The unsavoury incident that saw Jan Vertonghen lose his eyebrows in an unprovoked wax attack from Tim Sherwood aside, a pretty low-key end to the season for Spurs. 6th, though it could have been 5th if they’d really wanted it and shown some character and guts and…
West Brom – They survived, sure, but still plenty of doubts persisting over that Pepe Mel chap with his accent and his high line and his tactics… Where are the jobs for the British managers? Sam Allardyce would be at Real Madrid now if he was called Allardici!
West Ham – Finished below West Brom.
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