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Jokes

08/12/2017, 23:22
Post: #1181
RE: Jokes
I went to a Christmas party for transvestites last night.
Eat, drink and be Mary


Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Hope so, I've got no tissues left


Sex in the toilets ... in for a penny, in for a pound.
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16/12/2017, 10:42
Post: #1182
RE: Jokes
I went train spotting once.
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.


I was driving to work this morning when I passed a pub sign which read “all day breakfast”.
I thought. I don’t have time for that


A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
The horse, being a horse and unable to speak English or any other language for that matter, looks at the barman, shits on the floor and walks out.
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17/12/2017, 18:02
Post: #1183
RE: Jokes
My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot


My wife and I were going out on a rare date and as we were leaving, the babysitter graciously told us to take as long as we'd like.
That was 5 years ago, I hope she's enjoying being a single parent
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22/12/2017, 23:51
Post: #1184
RE: Jokes
I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.
It's the blokes with two hands who knock the shit out of me


After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up...
I wish I’d never put it on now...


As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
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23/12/2017, 15:39
Post: #1185
RE: Jokes
Next door's dog shit in our garden again this morning. My wife said "Get a spade and throw it over their fence"
I don't see what that will prove though? Because we've still got dog shit in our garden and now the neighbours have got our spade


My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet.
She said, "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said, "I'm not, I'm just getting used to the smell of piss."
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30/12/2017, 11:59
Post: #1186
RE: Jokes
On his last tour of Ireland , the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down .
" I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it " , he replied .


My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.
I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.
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31/12/2017, 13:30
Post: #1187
RE: Jokes
As the prostitute was wiping my cum off her face she said, "You could have just came inside."
"I'm not made of money." I replied, as I pulled my dick out of the brothel's letterbox.

So Ringo Starr has been knighted basically for staying alive.
Whereas Barry Gibb was knighted for Staying Alive.
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05/01/2018, 23:50
Post: #1188
RE: Jokes
I just rang Alcohol Concern.
Told them I was worried I didn't have enough beer in the fridge.
They're quite rude, aren't they?


My girlfriend asked "Do you want to get married?"
I said "Sure".
She said "That's great, when?"
I said "well just like every other guy, when I meet the right girl"
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06/01/2018, 15:20
Post: #1189
RE: Jokes
A physicist goes to an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream for himself and offers an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing. The man said “well I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me” The owner says” well there are a lot of single beautiful woman come in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you”. And the physicist says “yeah, but what are the odds of that happening”!)
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07/01/2018, 12:57
Post: #1190
RE: Jokes
I was in a casino last night and had a few spins on the roulette wheel.
The manager told me to get off.

Apparently wifi laptops can damage your sperm.
In my experience not as much as sperm can damage your wifi laptop.


I've just been on trip advisor.
There's fuck all information about a twisted ankle and a skinned knee.
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