Jokes

[gymaddict69]

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time

Apparently the clocks go back tonight
Well I'm fucked then.
I can't remember where I got mine from

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend asked me if I fancied some domination and humiliation games, so I agreed.
Now we're married.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[gymaddict69]

On Saturday my pal went through the painful procedure of having his spine and both testicles removed....
Still, he got some great wedding presents though.

A teacher asks her pupils to discuss what their dads do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad people in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He went, "Urrrrgghh...arrrghh...and then shit himself...."

[gymaddict69]

The wife turned to me last night and said " turn the lamp off and you can stick it up my arse"
Maybe be I should of let the bulb cool down first though.

I was at the doctors and he asked how are your bowels I said 7.am regular every day, he said so what's wrong?
I said I don't wake up till 8

[gymaddict69]

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.
Looking at her lifless there, i decided to have one last go.
Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted boo!
Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

[gymaddict69]

Two pensioners are enjoying oral sex together.
The old man says, "I can't stay down here for too long it stinks."
The old lady replies, "sorry it's my arthritis."
The old man says, "Arthritis in your vagina?"
"No!" says the old lady. " The arthritis is in my shoulder, i can't wipe my ass!"

[gymaddict69]

Lying in bed facing the wife, i looked into her eyes and said, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery"
She replied, "yoy mean i am worth millions?"
I said, "No, i wish you'd fuckin roll over!"

[gymaddict69]

The office Christmas party is nearly here, a time when my colleagues get pissed and have fun while I sit in the corner feeling lonely and desperate.
Or Angela and Denise from Accounts, as they're usually known

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into

[gymaddict69]

I was doing a crossword – I asked the wife ‘What’s a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends with UNT?
She replied ‘Aunt’
I said, ‘Pass the Tippex will you?’

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain.
The tattoo parlour wasn’t there

[gymaddict69]

I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.
If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree.
The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick bastard. I'll be putting it up in my living room."