Jokes

[gymaddict69]

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 14 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

[SirWanksAlot86]

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

[SirWanksAlot86]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[SirWanksAlot86]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

[gymaddict69]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman said with admiration.
"Thanks," the Girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. The fireman said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[gymaddict69]

We went to that new Moon-themed Restaurant last night.
The food was great but there was no atmosphere.

I was showing my gran the wonders of the internet.
"You can Google whatever you want," I told her.
"How about a picture of a nice cream pie?" she asked.
"Anything but that," I replied.

[gymaddict69]

Two elderly ladies are enjoying a cup of tea when one says "I'm going to get a boob job"
The other says "That's nothing, I'm going to get my arsehole bleached"
The first one replies, "You know, I can't imagine your husband liking his hair being blonde"

I like to scare my girlfriend while she's folding the laundry.
It's the only way I can get her to drop her knickers.

[gymaddict69]

My wife said i make love like a painter.
I said, "What, like Da Vinci, smooth strokes, attention to detail and the result of a masterpiece?"
She said, "No, like the council, rush the job, leave a fucking mess and i have to finish it myself!"

[gymaddict69]

I walked into the lounge to find my wife breast feeding our son.
"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
"Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother." I replied.

[gymaddict69]

The wife said, "You haven't listened to a fucking word I've said, have you?"
What strange way to start a conversation with me.

I saw a sign when we visited the Zoo once. "Do Not Feed The Animals"
"It's £10 for a burger," I said to my wife. "I'm not even feeding the fucking kids."