Jokes

[gymaddict69]

Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: Haha big time !
Doctor: Like, with another person?
Me: Oh, then no.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "May be" says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

[gymaddict69]

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.
Maybe it got married.

[gymaddict69]

A woman's orgasm is like the weekend.
It seems to take ages to get there then when it finally arrives you're too tired to enjoy it

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch today.
I said, "Chin up, love." She said, "Aw, thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."
I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

[gymaddict69]

Barman says to Paddy, "Your glass is empty do you want another one?"
Paddy replies "What the feck would i want with two empty glasses?"

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

[gymaddict69]

A man has a £50 note tattooed on his cock. His wife says , "why have you done that?" He replies, For
1. I like to see my money grow
2. I like to play with my money
3. I like having money in my hand.
And last but not least, the next time you wanna blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it!

[gymaddict69]

These strong winds are getting ridiculous...
I only walked to the shop to grab some milk and i got blown into the fucking pub

I looked outside and it was pissing it down.
I thought, 'Fuck it, I'm not going out in that.
I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow.'

[Jester62]

Hi There Rampant Hentai's.   

Q- Why Did The Atheist Throw Her Watch Out Of A 2nd Storey Window. 

A- She Wanted To See If It Was Inelligently Designed Enough To Evolve Into A Bird.   

Regards Jester

[gymaddict69]

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

[SirWanksAlot86]

An young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. After sex the girl said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'am actually a hooker, and I charge £100 for what we just did."
The man retorted, "And I should have mentioned this before, but I'am actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £200."

[SirWanksAlot86]

Two blondes came to a casino. After the great night they notice that they have lost the key from the car. They took a coat hanger from the locker-room and went to the car. The first blonde was trying to unlock the door but with no success. She complained: “I am not able to do that”. But the second blonde hastened: “hurry up, it starts raining and the top is down”.