Jokes

[SirWanksAlot86]

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

[gymaddict69]

We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready.
"Thanks, " he said, as I put it over my wife's head

Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...

[SirWanksAlot86]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he proceeds to walk towards the front desk, his elbow accidentally hits a woman's breast. The man tells the lady in a shaky voice, "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me." The lady replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no. 1221.

[SirWanksAlot86]

A teacher in a class noticed a cat, and asked students who owns it. Jimmy stood up and said it was his. The teacher asked him why he brought the cat to the school. Jimmy replied, "I heard my dad saying 'I'm going to eat that pussy today' to my mom'.

[gymaddict69]

"Never judge a book by the cover," the librarian always used to say.
But as I'm sat by the pool reading the phone directory, I sure wish I had.

After my Xfactor audition, everyone said how much I'd touched them.
Should've known they couldn't keep their fucking mouths shut.

[SirWanksAlot86]

Friend: What gift did you give to your husband on his birthday?
Lady: A magnifying glass.
Friend: What???
Lady: Yes, he asked for the best penis enlargement product available in the market as a gift.

[SirWanksAlot86]

Husband: Honey, did you see what I bought today. Olympic condoms! They come in three colors gold, silver and bronze.
Wife: Oh wow, are you using one today?
Husband: Yes!
Wife: Which color?
Husband: Gold, obviously!
Wife: For a change, why not use silver? You always come first. Try come second this time.

[parkaner]

[SirWanksAlot86]

My sister asked me to take off her clothes.
So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt."
I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes."
I took off her shoes.
"Now take off my bra and panties."
And so I took them off.
Then she looked into my eyes and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

[gymaddict69]

Today someone told me my actions would have grim repercussions.
I thought 'aren't they what Death sits on?'

I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.
My thoughts are with his family.