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Jokes
08/05/2012, 17:03
Post: #1
Jokes
Q: Why did the snowman smile? A: Because the snowblower is coming.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh

just few of mine
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09/05/2012, 22:29 (This post was last modified: 09/05/2012, 22:30 by Chillblane.)
Post: #2
RE: Jokes
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a kitchen light bulb? None let the bitch cook in the dark. ( not my thing but someone may find it funny).

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware issue.

Why does it take 5 women with PMT to change a light bulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES OK??????

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb has to want to change

What's the difference between light and hard? I can sleep with a light on.

What's the difference between oral and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes you hole weak.
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14/05/2012, 21:31 (This post was last modified: 14/05/2012, 21:51 by raylovschicks.)
Post: #3
RE: Jokes
this is kool one...ALEX FERGUSON,ARSENE WENGER and KENNY DALGLISH go to heaven.,the 3 of them are sent to the pearly gates of heaven where they have to give a 5minute talk on why ST PETER should support their club.,ARSENE WENGER starts off first and in the end ST PETER praises him and says "by the way" did you remember that time when Eduardo so blatantly and obviously dived in that game ? WENGER replies "i cannot say.Maybe,possibly,i don,t know but i didn,t see it."This pisses ST PETER of a bit,so he sends Arsene back to Earth.,KENNY has his turn,sits down and places a big sealed portfolio with files inside it.He gives ST PETER a 5minute talk on why Liverpool FC is the best club in the world and why he should support them.ST PETER interrupts him at 4;50 seconds and asks,"But how can you be so sure Liverpool FC are the best club of the three to support ? Kenny simply says,"ST PETER,I,m simply stating the facts." ST PETER doesnt like the tone of Kenny,s voice,so sends him back to Earth too.,ST PETER looks towards ALEX,who remarks,"5 minutes? Is that all you,re giving me ? This is a fucking disgrace..."
Steve staggers through the front door after a night on the piss with a sheep under his arm. He stumbles up the stairs and into the bedroom where the wife is sitting up waiting for him, a look like thunder on her face.

"Look," says Steve. "You see what I have to shag when you're not in the mood?"

"It's a sheep", says the wife.

To which Steve replies, "Yeah. And I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."

"Oh come on," I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Ever what?" she replied.

"You know..." I said, "Don't you ever, you know...?"

"Come on, say it. Don't I ever what?" she replied.

I said, "Don't you ever shut the fuck up?"

Im a spineless snivelling faggot who thinks it is clever to act tough on internet forums.
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15/05/2012, 15:03 (This post was last modified: 15/05/2012, 16:02 by raylovschicks.)
Post: #4
RE: Jokes
My mate said he didn't believe in adultery.

So I showed him a video of me and his wife.
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."

"Fuck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight cunt."
Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.

She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I walked into the DIY shop. "Excuse me," I asked, "have you got any 6 inch screws?"

"Only what we've got on the shelf," replied the cashier, pointing.

I don't know why he's selling these, I thought to myself as I unscrewed them and the shelf fell down. [

Im a spineless snivelling faggot who thinks it is clever to act tough on internet forums.
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28/05/2012, 16:39 (This post was last modified: 28/05/2012, 16:43 by raylovschicks.)
Post: #5
RE: Jokes
I bought my wife some make-up for her birthday today. She looked at it and said. "This has been tested on animals."

"That's why I bought it," I said.

"What for?" she replied.

"Well if it can make a monkey look good, then maybe you have a chance."
I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.

"Listen," I said, "I'm not very experienced and, when I'm with a girl for the first time, I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."

"Well, we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"

"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"

"Yeah?"

"Then."
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.

"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.

I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."

"Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"

"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore."

Im a spineless snivelling faggot who thinks it is clever to act tough on internet forums.
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28/05/2012, 21:10 (This post was last modified: 28/05/2012, 21:13 by Timm24.)
Post: #6
RE: Jokes
haha lol raylovs got some good jokes - do you remember those or got them off the internet for this post?
i always think i've heard tonnes of funny jokes but whenever it comes to telling them my mind goes blank.

here's the couple i actually remember:

blonde went into a library and says "Hi, can I have a double whopper meal with coke?"
librarian replies "excuse me, but this is a library"
blonde says "oh sorry", then whispers quietly "can I have a double whopper meal with coke?"

what do you call a smart blonde? a golden retriever



Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

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17/06/2012, 14:19 (This post was last modified: 17/06/2012, 14:20 by jesslloydfan.)
Post: #7
RE: Jokes
Some jokes that aren`t as dark as some of the jokes I know and won`t repeat on here, apologise in advance if people think they are crap lol.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

And another

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

I even managed to avoid posting any jokes that were too harsh lol.

Regularly adding new modelling shots and caps of Jessica Lloyd to the forum, also have a few links to some of her vids if anyone wants to see them just message me and ask and i will message you the links back.
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17/06/2012, 20:13
Post: #8
RE: Jokes
A Rabbit walks into a Butchers. Goes up to the counter and yells 'GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS?'

To which the butcher calmly replies 'No we don't sell carrots we are a butchers, we sell meat.'

The rabbit looks dejected and walks out muttering to himslef.

A week passes and the Rabbit returns, waits patiently in line. When he approaches the counter again he yells 'GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS?'

The butcher replies calmly again 'I told you last week, we sell meat, we don't sell carrots now please leave.'

The Rabbit leaves again muttering to himslef.

Another week passes and the Rabbit returns again. The butcher sees him approach the counter and folds his arms waiting to see what the rabbit will ask for. Sure enough when the Rabbit approaches the counter he yells 'GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS?'


The Butcher in a fit of rage yells back 'NO! WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CARROTS NOW FUCK OFF, IF YOU EVER ASK ME FOR CARROTS AGAIN I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR FUCKING EARS TO THE FUCKING DOOR, NOW FUCK OFF!!!!!'

The Rabbit say 'OK, no need to get all tetchy about it, all you had to say was no!' and with that he leave muttering to himself.

A couple of weeks go by before the Rabbit returns. Seeing him enter the shop the butcher folds his arms and awaits the inevitable.

The Rabbit approaches the counter and calmly asks 'Do you have any nails?'

To which the Butcher replies 'No' feeling a little confused.

'Good, GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS? GOT ANY CARROTS?'
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21/08/2012, 07:39 (This post was last modified: 21/08/2012, 07:49 by raylovschicks.)
Post: #9
RE: Jokes
Robin Van Persie's introduction for Manchester United was the second most under-whelming debut of the year,

following Tulisa's launch into the porn industry.
My mate asked me the other day: 'Let's say I make your wife pregnant, are we then family?'

'I have no clue', I said, 'but at least we're even...'
It was quiet at work so I decided to have a cheeky wank.

Halfway through while in mid stroke my boss walked in, "What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

Oh that was lucky, I thought to myself, she doesn't know what I'm doing.

Im a spineless snivelling faggot who thinks it is clever to act tough on internet forums.
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04/09/2012, 00:16 (This post was last modified: 04/09/2012, 00:18 by raylovschicks.)
Post: #10
RE: Jokes
I was watching the women's hockey in the olympics with my girlfriend and started taking the piss when they only got bronze.

"There's nothing wrong with bronze" she mocked "It's nothing to be ashamed of at all!"

Yet when I told her later that she's the third best girlfriend I've had, she went fucking mental!
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine."

Im a spineless snivelling faggot who thinks it is clever to act tough on internet forums.
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