Jokes

[gymaddict69]

I said to my mate, "I saw a man get thrown under a bus today!"
He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"
I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with caterpillars.
"Give it time, " I said, "I can change. "

[gymaddict69]

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

[gooner666]

loads of crackers there addict my friend lol lol lol

[gymaddict69]

I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some cunt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were talking about life. The cucumber said when i get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad. The pickle said when i get big and hard they chope me up and throw me in vinnegar. The penis said that is nothing compared to what im going through, when i get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head and put me in a damp dark cave and bang my head against the walls until i throw up and faint.

[gymaddict69]

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.

"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"

"You fucking nutbar, you're not in a car, you're in a mental hospital!"

A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the fuck up will you, he's giving me twenty quid a day to wash the cunt."

[Needsasuck]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

[Needsasuck]

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

[Needsasuck]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Needsasuck]

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

[Needsasuck]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”