Jokes

[gymaddict69]

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like. That was five years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent.

As a family we couldn't decide if we should have Grandma buried or cremated. So in the end, we let her live.

[gymaddict69]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

My wife said to me, "Do you fancy going away for a little while?"
I said, "Yeah, I'd love to."
"Good" she said. "Because I've just found the DVD of you shagging the cat."

[gooner666]

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother.

[gooner666]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

[gymaddict69]

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

[gymaddict69]

I met this girl at a pub last night, we hit it off and she invited me back to hers for a night of shagging. She asked me if I was into anything kinky, and I said yes. So she slipped into a spandex catsuit with nipple-tassles, got her whip out of the cupboard, and stuck a lubricated vibrator up her arse. Finally, she got me to handcuff her to the bed.

Lustfully, and full of alcohol, she looked up to me and said, "Okay, now fuck me!"

So I left. No need for that kind of language.

[gymaddict69]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

[gymaddict69]

What's twelve inches long and snaps a cunt? A selfie stick.

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

[gymaddict69]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.
I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

[orionmetus]

what's half a hemorrhoid?
Not a hole pile.

I just saw a sign in a shop
'Mosquito nets £10'

It turns out he won it on a scratchcard.